Laid you to rest..

Today we put you and your ashes to rest.

Should I have kept you home where I could see you and feel you, or is that thought weird?

Would that have helped me in the long run or just made me more depressed than I already am.

As I saw all those who love you gather around and cry because we miss you all I could think of was why did it have to be you.

When I was asked to say a few words as your sister and second mother I couldn’t even open my mouth without feeling like I was going to choke or throw up from the agony I felt. I felt calm, at peace, but at the same time like my world was ending and I was plunging deeper and deeper into an eternal abyss of darkness.

We had so many plans and dreams and now what am I supposed to do if you aren’t there to make them a reality. It barely has been two months and it feels like an eternity since the last time I heard your laughter.

I miss you…. I miss you so much…. I love you …. I love you so much…. I just want to scream to the world why did it have to be you. I hope you miss me too.

I Miss You Everyday

I miss you..

I miss your loud laugh and how happy it sounded and resonated throughout the house.

I miss the way I would hear your footsteps when you walked over to my room.

I miss the way you snored when you were sleeping.

I miss how you would walk into my room to stand my the air conditioner because you were hot.

I miss how you would come into my room and lay on my bed to annoy me or just spend time with me.

I miss you asking for my inhaler because yours was empty.

I miss you yelling at the dog for barking or yelling at the game when you got mad.

I miss you asking for money for a new game or weed and acting all cute.

I miss when you were hungry and always asked ” there’s no snacks?” very loudly.

I miss when you would send me random fan art of games and anime’s you thought I would like.

I miss when you would ask me to watch movies with you or shows with you.

I miss when you would ask me when I was out to bring you food.

I miss your smile. you hair, the way your room smelled, you voice, your warmth, your advice.

I Miss You…

I Miss You…

I don’t think it will ever be normal not having you around. I am so used to going to you for all types of advice. Who do I go to now? I miss the constant text messages I used to get from you and always hearing your voice. You are always on my mind and yet you are not here. I miss you so much I just want to hold you in my arms and bother you like always. I just started listening to music again but it’s hard it can’t be any type of music that might have a hint of sadness to it. I also started to laugh randomly when I see videos and then I catch myself and think I shouldn’t be laughing right now. There is so much I want to do and at the same time I don’t want to do anything not even think. Over and over again I have the same questions in my mind “How would you deal with this?” or “What would you do?”. I can’t come up with that answer no matter how hard I try. Some days I’m fine even though I feel this never ending sadness in the bottom of my gut that is never going to leave and then some days I just want to waste away, to turn into air and float away somewhere. I sometimes wish I lived in a world filled with magic so I could preserve my memories in video form to always rewatch. To always have you around. I want you around. I wish you were around.

I Can’t Get Used To It

It’s about to be exactly one month since you have been gone and I’m still not used to it. It all happened so fast and I am still in a state of shock and confusion. Once moment I accept what has happened the next I’m in total denial and wishing I was in a reoccurring nightmare that I will soon wake up from. I feel like a part of me is missing and I do not know who I am anymore. If I feel this way I could only imaging how mom and dad are feeling. To lose a brother is horrible but to lose a son seems so much worse. I feel like I’m falling down an endless black hole and it will never end.   

The plans we had made together and the things we were excited about in the future all are useless to me without you. I remember like it was just yesterday you were taking care of me after my surgery and we spoke about how when I had a child you would help me raise it since I wanted to do it alone. That child I once longed for in the future that I can’t even think go having without my brother by my side now.   

Everyone around me keeps saying “hopefully you will get used to it soon” like if it’s something good. Getting used to you not being here and me feeling like I lost my other half is something I do not think I will ever get used to. The thought of having to even get used to you not being around is horrible. Why do I even have to get used to it I feel like this shouldn’t have happened at all. Your were so happy all the time enjoying life and had so much to live for why aren’t you here. I would do anything to hear your laugh, your footsteps, the way you yelled while playing video games, how you walked into my room to bother me and lay on my bed, how you always complained that there were no snacks or food at home, when you would ask for money with the cutest smile. I miss your hair, the way your room smelled, you daily texts to me…. I miss you so much. I would do anything to have my brother back.